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How to break into showbusiness:
Bruce: Listen -- I'm no role model. I don't give advice. But over the last couple of years I've received a lot of letters, all with the same questions: Bruce, how do you get started in comedy, you know, acting and writing? And what advice do you have for someone trying to break in? OK, here it goes...
First of all, I guess if you're in school, make jokes. Don't worry about it if your teachers like it or not. The only teacher you should listen to anyway is your English teacher. But not too much, because, remember -- No One Understands You [flashes on screen]. Education is not your friend. Neither is sleep; you won't need it where you're going. Instead of studying, try listening to tragically loud music daily. And be strict with yourself -- you gotta do it everyday!
You know, now that I think about it, I think it's very important to let liquor be the wind beneath your wings. Yeah, I guess I'd have to advise drinking a lot with guys like Callum Rennie and Terry Rockio and pissing out the back of a fast-moving truck. Oh, and if a policeman goes by, try doing this under your breath: "Pig pig oink oink bacon sandwich at 2:00". Now, get a lot of experience coming home drunk. Stand up to your dad; he may tower over you now, but as be begins to shrink, you pick your day.
It's very important that you begin to juggle lovers. Remember: ["No One Understands You" flashes on screen].
I think it would be helpful to get a lot of dead-end jobs in warehouses with linear thinking racist pigs who will teach you only one thing: how to steal.
Did I mention piss out the back of a fast-moving truck? Oh, I did -- OK -- Then move to the biggest city you can find, get the smallest apartment you can find, keep your underware in a bowl in the fridge, never answer your phone, never remember your family's birthdays, never make it home for Christmas, think a lot about vampires, death and sex with your friends' mothers.....or fathers -- you figure it out, I did. Wear a crash helmet around just in case, watch your friends get married and grow beards to cover their puffy, compromising faces...then get a TV show.
I guess I'd have to say that that's my only advice.
Sketch Comedy:
Dave: [lifelessly] Sketch comedy. What is it? What is required? The first thing that is needed for a comedy sketch is a premise. How about a what if premise? What if a man awoke one morning to discover his chest had been colonized by Spain?
[cut to Scott in bed on an otherwise empty stage. Bruce enters on left dressed somewhat like a Musketeer in armor.]
Scott: [yawns]
Bruce: [with an accent] I claim this chest in the name of Spain. [Sticks a mini Spanish flag into Scott's chest.]
[cut to Dave.]
Dave: The premise has been established. the comedic possibilities are inherent. All that is need for this to progress is a conflict.
[cut to Scott and Bruce. Mark enters on right dressed similar to Bruce.]
Mark: [with French accent] I claim this chest in the name of France. [sticks a French flag into Scott's chest.] Oh! Spaniard!
Bruce: French!
Mark: My chest!
Bruce: My chest!
[The two draw their swords and clink them against each other accompanied by overdone sound effects.]
Mark: My. . .
Bruce: My chest.
[cut to Dave.]
Dave: The conflict has been set in motion.
[cut back to bed. Bruce is holding a lighted Pink Panther-esque bomb.]
Bruce: [singing] Happy Birthday to you.
[Bruce tosses the bomb into Mark's hands.]
Mark: But it's not my birthday. [tosses the bomb back.] I swear it.
Bruce: No, it's your. . .[tosses]
[Scott is waving his hands like he's battling the air.]
Mark: No . . .[tosses]
[cut to Dave.]
Dave: All that is required now for this to be a fully formed and well-rounded comedy sketch is a resolution.
[cut to bed.]
Bruce: I'm telling you I circled it. [tosses] [Kevin enters behind Mark, dressed in all black with blonde wig on.]
Mark: I don't think so cuz I'm a Cancer and it's not. . .
Kevin: Scram Spain.
Bruce: Oh!
Kevin: Shake a leg France.
[Mark and Bruce leave off to the back of the stage, into the darkness.]
Bruce: Ohhh.
Mark: Why, I ought to sell your eyes to my angry sister.
Kevin: They're gone, friend. But, I claim this chest for Mother Russia! Good mornick.
[Scott sit up and slaps his cheeks with his hands. Kevin puts his hands up by his head and they try to freeze, but they subtly fall into each other.]
[Dave enters frame wheeling in his IV.]
Dave: Notice the mug to the audience. This indicates that the punchline has been delivered. This is generally followed by a black out.
[Dave flicks IV bag with finger.]
[Fade out.]
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